[19 Jul 2005|11:42am] I just finished this book, The Boy I Loved Before. It made me think, and dream. Michelle and I have had a lot of problems lately, but we are beginning to patch things up, put bandaids on our wounds. We've been together for over a year. And we've been through a lot, and I have faith in us, even when it gets hard. When its good, it's amazing. And when its bad, it really sucks, but I know that nothing is good all the time, and I know that things aren't worth it if you don't have to work for it. We have issues for so many different reasons, mostly stemming from how different we are.... But I think that helps us learn from one another, and appreciate things that we never would have learnt about otherwise. I just want us to work. I want to keep the faith, I want her to believe. I want us to trust one another, and sit together over dinner, holding hands for years and years to come. I want us to make it through no matter how hard it gets. post comment

[25 Feb 2005|07:52pm] [ mood | angry ] I need somewhere to write, and this is the place. I hate you. My life is so much better without you in it. You think that I want something from you, but I want nothing at all. I'm pleased that our paths have separated us. I'm better, stronger, smarter, without you. There was a time where we were everything to one another. Now you are barely a memory. And slowly, the bad memories are overtaking the good ones. Eventually you will fade. I will pass you in the street and recognize your face but not be able to place you. That's sad, because we shared so much. Walks, tears, travels, tattoos, scars, laughter, love, passion... I remember when Jill and I wrote our letters to you, a year ago, maybe longer. And then we started to patch up our friendships, things got better, I had a bit of faith in you again. It's ironic, because now the same things I wrote then hold true. You will look back and miss me, want me, need me. And I will be gone... Eventually you will have no way to reach me. You will hope to run into me at a club, a party. When the day comes, I will be happy, glowing, on the arm of someone that truly loves and appreciates me. You will be in yet another random relationship with someone that doesn't really know you. You are still in love with me. You will be in love with me for the rest of your life. You will marry someone else, and on your wedding day, you will look into her eyes and wish that you are looking into mine. Your only comfort is your best friend, who is also in love with me, also lost me. And now, she and I have the potential to have a friendship, and you are trying to keep that from happening. Because you are jealous. That is the only logical reason for your actions and reactions. I know I love you because I hate you. I will always love you. But I no longer want you or respect you. post comment

[11 Aug 2004|01:09am] [ mood | nostalgic ] once again i'm here and it seems like its been years. so many things have happened. the days, nights, weeks have all flowed together. another relationship has passed into nothingness. i thought that i had become numb but i found that i was wrong. i found someone that taps into things i thought that no one could find, and now... it's time to take a break. no one reads this anyway. i only do it for myself, but i don't feel it flowing right now, so it's breaktime. 3 comments|post comment

you were the best i ever had [11 May 2004|06:16am] [ mood | drained ] i don't know where to begin. i love my girlfriend so much it hurts, but i'm not sure what else i can do to reassure her that i want her in my life more than anything. we have such a fabulous life ahead of us, marriage, children, a home. my mom adores her. everyone in my family does. but she gets in these moods, and there isn't a damn thing that i can do to pull her out of them. and then a few days later she just snaps out of it. then she's back to herself. i can only hope that moving will help all of this. i hate leaving her for work, but i don't have any other options at this point in time. money isn't even as good as it should be, and it pisses me off immensely. i'm so mad at kate i could cry. mostly because of a very simple thing: she treats me as though i am disposable. or she completely disregards me. if i don't call her for a week or two she gets all kinds of mad, but when we do talk, she never asks about whats going on in my life. and she writes in her journal about how much she misses home, and blah blah, but i'm never among the people that she mentions. when i write to her, she doesn't write back. she acts as though we were never in a relationship. and although i don't want to be with her again, our relationship was very important to me, and it really fucking hurts to think that it meant nothing to her. obviously it didn't mean as much to her as it did to me, or we'd still be together. i just need a little love. i don't only want to be called when she wants or needs something. i don't want her to make me seem like such a bad guy to the girls that she dates so that they are terrified of me. i want respect. that's all. i'm tired. post comment

[09 Feb 2004|02:49am] [ mood | confused ] today is one of those days where even my own bones feel alien in my body. i talked to her today, she was pissed, and i was sorry. sorry that i hadn't told her that i was bailing, but even more sorry that she doesn't realize that she is persecuting me for the same things that she does to other people. it's one of those things that is neither wrong or right, but just is. people revolve around each other, we are inexplicably entwined until we break from the web that we have created around ourselves. but no one ever does. we just wish that we were able to, but we aren't, and given the chance, we most likely would stay exactly where we are because it is safe. safetly is overrated these days. i've been having dreams. of pregnancy, of being raped, stalked. of my teeth falling out. it's all strange, and i wake as though i'm not at all rested, even if i have been in bed for 14 hours. i think that i am getting manic again. i wish that i knew how to stop this... this thing that i am living in. it's like a monster comes to see me and takes me over. even, now, with my typing, it's jerky and fast slow fast faster slow. i need to just sit here and write it all out. i have no outlet for these things anymore. i feel as though i am bottled up and waiting to explode. let's try to work it out: kate: she is always in me. in my life. i know that she always will be, and i just need to deal with it, and not take her so seriously, just take her for what she is and what she can give, no matter how much or how little. no more expectations. i know that there will always be a part of me that is in love with her. i can deal with that. although she at times causes my emotions to overflow, it is nothing that i cannot handle. missy: she and i are hot and cold. i love her, and i know that she loves me as well, but something is off that neither one of us can pinpoint, i'm not sure if it is just settling in... or something else. we're both trying, but we both get frusterated quite easily. i know that you can make it work if you try, and i know that both of us want to make it work. but the question is... if you try to make it work to hard, what then? or what if you try and try and try, and then you still break up? is that too much pressure to put on yourself and your partner? i can see our life together, at times it comes into perfect focus. it's difficult though. my job being what it is and all. and her trying to handle it, to be strong for herself as well as for me. i know it's an awful amount of pressure to put on someone, which is why i had previously told myself that i wouldn't get into any more relationships for a few years. but then i fell for her. what more was there to do? work: is up and down. i need direction. i thought that i had found it, but it seems like it is all crumbling around me. other things. all of my friends are a thousand miles away. or, perhaps i don't even really have as many friends as i thought that i had. i look back and i realize how many people have come in and out of my life. and i'm not even sure why or how. my mother once told me that if you had 2 good friends that you were rich, and that you couldn't ask for more. i have that, but i feel that i am still at a a loss. most of the people that i feel truly close to i barely know... or they are married and living their own lives... or, they live so far away that i see them once in a blue moon. it's hard, and sometimes i feel like this life is so lonely. i have plenty of aquaintences. and plenty of admirers, but few people that i would be able to invite to a dinner party. i always imagined a life where all of the people i loved would live close by, that we would get together on sundays and cook dinner together. that we would raise children together. and for some reason that life seems like nothing i will ever obtain. and then i question... if i had been straight, if i had gone to college, if if if... would i have a different life? and would i feel just as lost. would i be a housewife fucking the poolboy? would i be dead already? would i still live in the same town where i grew up? have a chosen a path of solitude, or was it given to me? people find themselves drawn to me... for reasons that i can't explain. because i seem so sure of myself? because i'm open at times, because of my job, because people find me attractive? i'm not sure why it is, but i wish that someone would explain it to me, so i could perhaps appreciate myself. i do, at times. but on nights like tonight, when it is cold, and i feel like i don't belong in my own body, i can't find a single logical reason for anything. post comment

this is from a few days ago [14 Jan 2004|12:41am] it's 3am, i should be dreaming right now, but something startled me out of sleep. i'm thinking about tattooing you all over my body. i was great with her at that time. we are all addicts. live to the point of tears. i read books, watch movies and tv... it is discussed that people only get 2 great loves in their lifetime. does that mean that i am done at 21? or will you eventually fade to sepia toned slow motion? i'm not sure which i fear more. you were all that surrounded me for so long, and now that i am breaking from you i am becoming numb. although we pledged undying love and friendship i am not certain that i can keep promises once made. as much as i love you, i cannot bring myself to pick up the phone. i find that i am pushing you out of my life, and, it seems that more than anything i am begging you to fight for me. regardless, i know that i am forever changed. you are in my blood, my heart, my mind, my soul... forever. at times i am unsure if i should love you, hate you, or be greatful to you. i am not the person that i once was. i identify more with women of 35 than those that are 21. have i aged prematurely? is it a symptom of the world today? sometimes i wish that i had been born at a a different time, although i doubt that i would have any more peace. i am going to attempt to purge myself of you through dreams and sleep. ~~~~~~ oh the angst of it all. what is my fucking problem? i really am going to go to sleep. post comment

sanctuary [29 Dec 2003|06:48am] it's almost the change of the yeaar, and i'm finding myself lost in memories. memories of past relationships, friendships that are no longer, and others of those that are still in my life. let's start where my memories begin to come into focus: i don't remember much before my freshman year of high school, which was in 96'. that year was filled with losing friends from middle school, growing into new friends,and doing what i suppose that you could call coming out. i spent that new years with my new friends, while my boyfriend dennis was out at a club. 97' was when i went to my first rave, started doing a whole lot of drugs, and met the girl that i would love for the first time. that summer i went out every weekend, and just caused havoc. i entered my sophomore year, more popular than i ever thought that i could be. dennis and i were off and on, elisa (my girlfriend) left me for shanon, who i would later end up with. i spent new years of 98' alone until almost 11pm, where i went over to my neighbors and did lemon drops and made out with random people. that year, dennis proposed, i said yes, he left for bootcamp, and i proceeded to start dating other people. that summer i lived in chicago with him, dated my first married man, played housewife, dennis and i broke up for good. i was 15. i flew back from chicago 2 days after my 16th birthday, and started my junior year a week later. everyone knew who i was because of my being gay, because of dennis, and because of my being gone all summer long. fall consisted of Nicki, my best friend, my lover, everything. we both dated other people, but we were practically married. sometime in october shanon and i started seeing each other, a relationship that would be off and on for the better part of 3 years. i also began dating brandon. new years of 99' was spent with brandon and his friends at my parents house. it was the first time that my friends and i had a few drinks while sitting down with my parents. winter and spring were all brandon and nicki. one of the happiest times of my life. then, it all fell away when shanon called me in early spring. life shifted from brandon to shanon, and as nicki became more involved with brad, kelly became my best friend. that summer was a blur, drugs, sex, floating in shanon's pool at 3am. my senior year started. showing up late to school because i was hungover, strung out, or still fucked up. in december i moved out of my parents house for good, although before that i had rarely been there. new years of 00' was spent drinking champagne, doing lines of heroin, and eating great food that i had made earlier that day with my mother. that winter i was put on home schooling, so i spent most of it working, going out, and getting fucked up. i still had straight a's. went through withdrawl the week of my finals, didn't go, almost didn't graduate. that summer, shanon and i moved into a new place, played house. we were clean, so we started a regular life for a little while. we both worked, dated people, and were a happy for a little while. new years of 01' was spent drinking corona's with girls that we had picked up at the bar a few nights before. leah jumped on me at midnight, and told me i was the most beautiful girl in the world, and then stole the phone from me as i was talking to my mom and thanked her for having me. january had me moving to pittsburgh in the middle of the night, breaking up with leah, (that relationship was brief but had a lot of impact.) and meeting alex. it was also the year that i started hooking. most of that year was working, and figuring out where i wanted to go in life. looking at schools, thinking about settling down. all in all the year was mellow. we went out to clubs, had friends visit, made some good money. new years of 02' was spent at home with alex, drinking champagne, taking a bubble bath, making love, and watching the ball drop. this is when things begin to come into focus.... 02' was when i met kate. when i fell in love with her, we used to sneak away from all of our friends to cuddle, read each other poetry, and brave rush hour traffic to be together. late nights at the diner, drinking coffee and comparing notes. i was stripping at night, moving from one part of the sex industry to another. that summer we lived at my parents for a while, her parents for a while, and then seperately in the philly area. we'd go out to clubs, walk in parks, and lay in bed all night talking. a few days before she went back out to school i met emily, as soon as she got out there she met summer. i went back to school. i'd drive up to see her after i got out on fridays... and then we broke up, over mexican food. it sucked. i went home, and went to em. the relationship between us was like nothing i have ever experienced before. we went to church, she sang, we'd make dinner at home together. we slept touching. cried, laughed, had passion. one night we went down to baltimore for dinner, and the restaurant had a piano man. we sat on the balcony, felt the breeze, and she sang along. i'll never forget that night. the feeling was something that i know that i will never feel again. and then i ruined it all, by going back to kate. we reunited over an ani concert. i left em at home, telling her this was something that i had to do, which it was. that is what sealed the deal, i was caught in it all again... new years of 03' was one of the best new years that i have had, i have to be honest, although i thought that it would be horrible. kate, jill, and i went out to pittsburgh, and had a party. we got all dressed up, drank, had a ball fight. it was a lot of fun. and, now, the year that i am reflecting on the most.... 2003 began with kate and i back together. emily hung in there for a little while, until i made it impossible. i think that i will always regret losing her. kate and i broke up at the end of february. i gave up emily for a little more than two months with kate. i stripped again. i met jordan, who i dated off and on. when i met jordan, jordan had no idea what gender jordan wanted to use. eventually he decided that his appropriate gender was male. apparently he is in the process of gender reassignment right now. we broke up on very bad terms. i stopped talking to kate for well over 4 months. i lived alone. i lived with angela and shane, and we got in a huge fight, stopped talking for a while, and now all is well. :) i started seeing kate again. i became a "high-class" hooker. i went to a brothel for the first time. kate introduced me to missy, the girl that i am seeing now. we've been together for about 4 months. we're discussing marriage. she and i really have a good chance. we're willing to work at our relationship, and that is the most important thing. the past few years have been insane. i think that the only reason that i've been so in my head lately is because i've had a lot of time to myself. i don't know. i just had to get it out. 2 comments|post 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a valentine to the first boy that i ever french kissed [22 Oct 2003|04:18am] "i still don't like to write the words i love you on paper. what happens when you break up? i am so scared for those words to lose meaning, for them to be glassy, empty evidence of my vulnerability" ~Thea Hillman post comment

it's all in the way you engage and appreciate... [22 Oct 2003|04:06am] i have this huge party coming up this weekend, and let me tell you... i'm not ready for it. but that's not the point. i find myself replaying my life in my head like a film lately. sometimes i feel removed from things as they happen. i am suddenly capable of stepping back and watching things occur, music swells, light changes, and nothing is at it seems... kate passes off being in love with me as something that is nonchalant and will wait forever. what she has yet to realize is that i have fallen out of love with her, and that i did so at a time that i can't even remember. perhaps the only reason that we re-engaged is because i could. because she wanted me. and i had told myself that when we last saw each other in April would be the last time ever. i said goodbye, and i hadn't even realized it. and we all know that i don't say goodbye. but even though i no longer have the emotions that i once carried, there is something in her that keeps me engaged. perhaps it is the simple fact that she needs me, and in turn, i feel useful. i find lately, however, that all she does is piss me off. i love her, but i am not in love with her, and i don't know how to explain to her that she lost me. *** on a happier note*** i found the girl that i always dreamed of. and she is sitting next to me. she has made me feel. again. and i could go into it, but it would take hours. so perhaps i will save that for another time. post comment

from a few weeks ago... [22 Oct 2003|04:01am] I hate traveling and not being able to get online... it makes me fidget. It seems to be impossible to be in touch, no cell phones... Most people enjoy the break, but not I. I like to know what is going on at all times. The world could be blowing up underneath me, and I would have no idea,. All of this business with Kate has gotten me in an uproar. I should be thrilled to be going to see her, but in all honesty, at this point I would much rather be at home, with Missy. I wonder what it is that caused her to alter my perspective of the world. The real question is, will it last? I want it too.... I really do, Something about her makes my heart race and my breath shorten. We were out the other night, at Gallaghers, and there were plenty of hot girls all over the place. But the only person that I saw was her. She told me that she was in love with me the other night. Lying on my couch, wrapped in my arms. She's so tiny, and always looks so worried, that I will disappear. Or fall away. Or something. She writes me poetry. And wakes up smiling when she sees me. And looked as though her world was ending when I said goodbye this morning. But then she's such a badass, so tough, and it makes me smile, and feel safe. Her accent is just about the cutest thing in the world. Especially when she calls me baby. She talks about her cats like they are real, and we just sit on the couch and pick at each other. For hours. And she's the best kisser in the whole world. How did I manage to find her? And so now I am on a plane to go visit Kate. Which, 4 months ago, would have been the only place in the world I would have wanted to be. She called me, last night, so excited that I was going to be with her, and I just couldn't get the enthusiasim. Is it that I finally know that our break up caused her pain, that she came back to me? Is that what makes me capable of letting go of her? That she asked me to spend the holidays with her, and that she tells me that she's in love with me. HOw is it that you never get what you want until it's no longer your goal? Did Missy come along because I finally stopped looking? Because I had settled on waiting for Kate? Missy tells me that I am what she always dreamed of... Will I fade? Will years go by, and she will find herself wondering why she chose me? Will she stop dreading my trips, and instead wish that I was gone more? Will there be mornings when she wishes that she was waking up next to someone, anyone else? Perhaps that is why I have always hesitated to settle down with anyone else. Because I fear that I will no longer be what the want, and I am frightened of growing used to having someone by my side... post comment

Not for Nothing [08 Sep 2003|11:38pm] [ mood | annoyed ] He and I broke up, of course... and now he is moving out, and we fight, all of the time, about stupid shit, but he just, I don't know, makes me want to yell... I've spent the past week and a half with her... It's been really good, and comfortable, but I know she's leaving soon, and it makes me ache. And she hates to talk about how she feels, but she tells me that she loves me and it makes me feel warm inside. And she sleeps next to me at night, and everything seems like it is ok. And for now, it is. This past weekend was crazy. I'm too riled up to write right now. I'll be back. post comment

stay far away... [28 Aug 2003|01:26pm] I break people. I don't know what my issue is. I mean, why do I get into relationships over and over, knowing that I can't provide what the other person needs. And then it's the same thing over and over again... In the matter of a few weeks, everything goes downhill, because I start to get depressed, or I just need some space, and then they freak out. In reality, if people just gave me some space when I asked for it, it would all be fine. I'd get back into girlfriend mode, and then things would begin to go smoothly again. But that never happens. People start to freak out because I am not close enough to them. Last night, he and I got in a huge fight, and it totally sucked. And then after I thought that everything had been resolved, and I ask him if he is coming to bed, and he says that he will be coming in a second. And then about 10 minutes later, he comes in, sobbing... by this time, it's 4 am, and I have to be up in 8 hours, because I have to work today, and I can't look tired, because I am meeting a new client. So I ask what's wrong, and then he wants me to hold him, and I don't really want to, because I am not the most affectionate person in the world. And, I'm tired, and over emotional, and when I get like that I just shut down. So, I'm in shut down mode, and he's crying, and there is nothing that I can do about it. I mean, I literally can't move to help him. And then, he goes back out to the living room. And I am just falling asleep, and he comes back in, all upset, because I am not doing anything to make it better... That's pretty much the last thing that I remember, because then I fell asleep. I'm a huge asshole. Anyway... post comment

So Maybe I Lied [27 Aug 2003|02:49pm] [ mood | crampy ] So this journal was supposed to be emotion, not actual occurances, but I was lying, because all it has been is the day to day, and it doesn't look like that is going to stop anytime soon. yesterday was my birthday. and it sucked. my mom and my step father forgot about it. i sat in the DMV for 3 hours to get my liscense changed. that was fun. I stopped by the health department to pick up my birth certificate, and the lady who gave it to me asked what the hell I was doing running errands on my birthday. literally. It was my 21st, and I didn't even get drunk, and the night before I cried myself to sleep. Isn't that fun? He has been such an asshole lately. I mean, not all of the time, but at least once a day, he says something completely shitty that makes me want to just punch him. And the thing is, I know exactly what is going on, but he has no fucking clue. Or if he does, he won't admit it yet. He's finally figured out that I really am exactly how I say that I am. People always think that I am kidding, that they will be able to break down my walls, but then they realize that as time goes on, if anything, I get even more distant. When I am gone next week, with her, he told me not even to call him. He thinks that I am going to leave him for her. Doesn't he understand, that even if I left, it would never be for her, it would be because I was going to go regardless. I had a dream last night, that she asked me to leave with her, and I told her no. And when I said that, she said thank you. That she knew that we would end up together, but just not now. I'm not sure about any of it... In all honesty. I mean, I don't know what to think. I'm not sure if I will ever be able to give that much of myself to anyone ever again, but I also am not sure that either one of us will ever truly be ready for a relationship. But at the same time, I can't imagine my life without her. Perhaps she will meet someone while she is gone, and I will meet someone here, and then we will both live happily ever after. I could stay with him for a long time, but I don't think that he will be able to stick it out. I could be wrong though... Who knows. God, I have cramps... grr. post comment

43 [25 Aug 2003|02:49am] If I said it before then probably the breath carried more wait than the words. You tell me not to take her literally but the heart hears before the head hits the paper. Emotions waltz dangerously close to thought's patterns, hopefully repetition is rebirthing without the new age anchor attached. Even if this is true, I can't see you without remembering what we were and how. The kiss is not new unless it tastes of unseen animals and the unspoken. Still I reach for you and call and expect answers from what I already know. Love being what we think we know and no less. post comment

it's not quite.... [25 Aug 2003|02:29am] [ mood | contemplative ] the middle of the night, but it's getting close. He was upset, and I was trying to get him to tell me what was wrong, and he wouldn't... Finally, I got him to tell me that he didn't want me to be mad, and I told him not to worry about it, that I would be okay. So, then he tells me that he gets insecure because he is in love with me, and crazy about me, and it hurts him to know that I don't feel the same. And I tell him, that yes, we are good together, and please don't worry about me being in love with him, because I don't work that way anymore. Because I stopped feeling like that years ago, and then the only person that woke it up it me hurt me too... So now, it's no good, at least not for a long time. And, I say, I really was honest with you about that, and you chose to get into this anyway. He gets upset because I am not affectionate, and because I don't like to cuddle, and I won't sleep next to him at night... And I feel bad, but I don't know how to be like that anymore. It's like, I just don't feel emotion like that. And when I get home, after traveling all the time, I need time, in my house, alone, or at least in silence, and when the house is a mess, and I feel worn, then yes, I am going to feel anxious, and I will be touchy. But that's just me, and I'm pretty damn honest about it all. I'm not one of those crazy fucks that pretends that they are sane, and then you catch them muttering to themselves and dusting the cat. And then, today, I'm sitting on the couch eating junk food, which is my main source of sustinance, and he looks me square in the eye and tells me that if I keep eating like that, I'm gonna get fat. Me, 5'2, 100lb, 34B-24-34, Me, I'm going to get fat from 2 single serve bags of chips, and a few fruit rollups. I've never had anyone say anything like that to me in my entire life, and anyone that spends any kind of time with me knows that I eat every 5 minutes. I got incredibly pissed, and just started yelling at him. I mean, he's never said ANYTHING like that at all, he usually tells me how beautiful and sexy I am. I just don't know where that came from. *sigh* She texted me tonight, and tells me that she broke up with her girlfriend. And that she is going to stay with one of the girls that she slept with while we were together. I laugh... and wonder if I will still have a place to stay when I go to visit her. So I call her, and she's crying, or at least has been, you can hear it in her voice. We talk for 5 minutes, then she has to go to sleep. I just want to make everything ok. I'll call her tomorrow. *I just can't explain why I am always drawn back to her, I think that we were together in another life. I mean, she's in me, and on me... The tattoo on my back is for her, which no one really knows. And I am going to get a few quotes tattooed on me as well, and some of them will pertain to her. I mean, christ, most of the reason that I started this journal is so that I can talk about her without anyone else really knowing about it. She's like my drug. And let me tell you, I know from personal experience, that there are times when she is more detrimental and addictive than heroin. But I'd take her over anything else any day of the week. And the thing that I don't understand... It's not about sex, I mean, I'm attracted to her, and I like to be close to her, but I don't want to have sex with her. I just want her in my life. And after the past year and nine months, I'm pretty sure that we are in whatever we are in for the long term. Ack. I'm gonna stop this entry, put up my quote for tonight, and then go the fuck to bed. post comment

Her [24 Aug 2003|04:22pm] [ mood | relaxed ] I need to find an icon for this journal. I was thinking that I might even put a picture of myself up here... Anyway. I was at her house this past week, the first time that we have seen each other since what would have been our year anniversary, where she was controlled, because she knows no other way to be, and I was weepy and distant, because I wanted her to feel how bad she had hurt me. It had been 4 months, longer than we had ever been apart since we met. I was in NYC, working, when she called and said that she had a few days off, that she was coming home, and wouldn't I be in Philly, and didn't I want to get together? Of course I did... I took the train out to the suburbs to meet her, and the train was late, and so was she, and we arrived at the exact same moment. That is how it always has been with us. So, I got in the car, and she looked at me, and just leaned across the seat and took me in her arms. And I had to catch my breath... We fell into what we always do... went home, hung out with her family, watched TV, she laid in my lap, and I stroked her hair, stiff with gel. She fell asleep... I woke her so that we could go upstairs to sleep... She smiled as we were changing, and told me how huge my boobs were, and then laughed at herself. I grinned at her, and then climbed on my side of the bed. We turned on the stero, and talked... she told me about her girlfriend, and the two other girls that she was sleeping with. She teased me about having a boyfriend, and I told her how hard it was because, after all, I'm a fucking dyke. After talking for a while, I laid on her chest, she played with my hair, told me that she liked it long. Told me how beautiful I was. I felt at home for the first time in months. She starts talking again, about how she feels like she has become a trophy to people, that she thinks that all they care about is fucking her, about how no one wants to flirt and make out anymore... and that's all she really likes. And the strange thing is, I know that she is telling the truth, and I know that I feel the same way most of the time. She's always been one of those girls that falls into sex, and doesn't ever really say no. I mean, she does sometimes, but not always. She tries to give people what they want until she can't take it anymore, and then she gets mean... and when she gets mean, 9 times out of 10, there is no going back. But then I want to laugh at how ironic it all is, because all she's ever wanted is to be adored. After a long talk, we fall asleep... Next morning, I wake up to her smiling at me... She tells me that she doesn't want me to leave, and of course, I don't. I never do. The world could end, and if she wanted me to hold her hand through it all, I would. We spend the day together, making plans for the first week of September, when I will be visiting her, and then more plans for October. She begs me to wear a skirt and heels, because there are no femmes at the clubs that she goes to... And tells me about the party that we will be having Friday, a huge going away, mixed birthday party bash. She tells me her girlfriend, and both of he fuck buddys will be there... I laugh at her, and say, and you want me to be there too? She smiles, and says, yup. Well then, I say, you better find me a hot girl to make out with. She looks at me, grins, and says... Sure. The day goes well, and as the sun goes down, we pass each other in the hall on the second floor of her parents house. She's on her way to her room, I'm going to help her mom with dinner. So soft that I can barely hear it, she tells me she misses me as she passes, and brushes my hand. I know, I say, I miss you too. Dinner is full of laughter. She and her father play off of each other, and we talk about her leaving. They tell me how good it is to see me, ask where I have been for the past few months, asked me why I missed Easter. I brush it off, and just say that I have been busy working and setting up my place. Funny... I hadn't even realized that Easter had passed. The last night that we spend together is calm, and close, and we just hold each other and talk. We both know that we are in one another, that we will be constant in each other's life... And it's all okay now. She tells me that she loves me. I say the same. I move away after she falls asleep, and she wakes up telling me that I am too far away. I think that we finally learned to stop asking so much of each other. To just let things be what they are. And that it will all fall into place. We wake up at 5am so that she can drop me off at the train, and then go home to work. She kisses me before I walk onto the train. Tells me to hurry to visit. I hug her and say... See you soon. post comment

make a long story short [24 Aug 2003|04:16pm] "If you only have words, choose your words carefully. Because they can get you fed. Get you off. Get you heard. Get you hard. Get you killed." ~Thea Hillman This is my favorite writer... you will see a lot of her words in this journal. If I could only have one book... Depending on the Light would be it. ~Cerise post comment

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